My husband Steve visited me last night, in my dreams.
He was laying in a bed, and I touched his arm and asked him for a kiss. I told him I knew this wasn’t real so I wanted a kiss. He laid there and smiled at me.
It was a nice visit. 
Christmas 2016 happened less than 2 months after we buried Steve. We all went through the motions becacuse we had too…. for the kids. But honestly, I felt like a fruad. I still sent out Christmas Cards, but they weren’t “Bright & Merry”… I did it because that’s what I do, I send out cards every Christmas. I mailed them along with Thank You notes to those that attended his Funural. Yes, it was weird. When shopping for my inlaws, I was completely stumped. What do you buy for someone who just lost their son… their only child. Not much. Actually, NOTHING. But I came up with a couple of ideas – I printed a beauiful picture of Steve that I took of him…
I came across something called “The Mourner’s Bill of Rights” and there were 10 bullet points. One of them made me feel so better about how I’ve been feeling the past week or so – I have been SO UNMOTIVED lately. I haven’t cooked in two weeks, and have no desire to even go food shopping. I have new furniture coming for Allison this week which means everything has to come out of her room and I have the Book Fair at the girl’s school coming up in less than a week and I haven’t done anything for that either. I hate feeling this way. But at least this helps me to understand that it’s normal. It said “You have the right to be tolerant…
Today is 7 month’s since Steve died. 7 MONTHS! I can’t believe it’s been that long, yet it seems like yesterday. Holly cried tonight. She misses him SO MUCH. He was her ‘person’. She had a bond with him that will always make her heart hurt. Holly cries a lot. She thinks of him a lot. She never misses the 5th of the month. She’s “graduating 6th grade” in 2 weeks. She wanted him to be with there to see her graduation SO BAD. She knew it probably wouldn’t happen, and she knew he was dying, but all she prayed for was for him to see her finish elementary school. She knew he’d never see her graduate. But he didn’t make it. At least not…
Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I wanted to cry so bad but my medication doesn’t allow me to cry very easily. (And that’s okay!). But I was very sad and I had a lot to do. It would have been great to have a hug and to be held for a little while, I feel safe that way. But that wasn’t readily available to me so I picked myself up and went on with my day and surprisingly, I was very productive. And then later on in the afternoon I realized that 7 months ago I would have just shut down for the day and felt helpless, alone, sad… and I would have had a pity party for me because Steve wasn’t here…
One of my best friends had these bears made for the girls from two of Steve’s Hawaiian shirts. They are amazing and the girls absolutely love them!!! The shirts he wore tons of times so they remind them of him. Such a wonderful and thoughtful gift! Thank you Jaime Lutynski Kilday!!! You are an amazing person and I’m happy to call you my friend. Xoxoxoxo
3 years ago today, Steve and I went out to celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary. It was a Saturday night. When we got home that night Steve asked me if I was happy (after 13 yrs of marriage, I think it’s a legit question! lol) and I told him, “Yes” I was happy with where we were in our relationship, I loved our new home and all that came along with it and the direction our lives were going in at that time. I then told him that I was scared that something was going to happen to ruin it all. He assured me that nothing would happen to take our happiness away. 3 days later he ended up in the hospital and they found…