My husband Steve visited me last night, in my dreams.
He was laying in a bed, and I touched his arm and asked him for a kiss. I told him I knew this wasn’t real so I wanted a kiss. He laid there and smiled at me.
It was a nice visit. 
I know most days it appears that I’m fine, but I am not. I am still very fragile, sad, lonely and missing Steve. I wish sometimes I could hang a sign around my neck asking people to be sensitive to me, think about what they are going to say and consider keeping it to themselves. But I can’t. Unless you’ve grieved the loss of someone as close as a spouse, there is no way to know how it feels, and I don’t expect anyone to, nor do I want anyone I love to know how it feels, but it does still hurt and I think about him every single day. Yes, I need help from time to time. I’m doing this alone, I have…
Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I wanted to cry so bad but my medication doesn’t allow me to cry very easily. (And that’s okay!). But I was very sad and I had a lot to do. It would have been great to have a hug and to be held for a little while, I feel safe that way. But that wasn’t readily available to me so I picked myself up and went on with my day and surprisingly, I was very productive. And then later on in the afternoon I realized that 7 months ago I would have just shut down for the day and felt helpless, alone, sad… and I would have had a pity party for me because Steve wasn’t here…
I have amazing friends. I spent the day with some of them and we had a great time. We went to dinner and we celebrated Steve. We know he was there with us because a song he loved, that we were talking about earlier today, came on while at dinner. Then we saw a boat similar to the one his parents owned while he was growing up. We all agree that was him telling us he was there. Thank you for all the birthday wishes for him, all the texts and love you all sent us today. It really helps and I appreciate it so much!!!
My girls spoiled me today!! My day began with them letting me sleep in, then waking me to kisses and breakfast in bed – heart shaped toast, a hardboiled egg and a granola bar. Then they showered me with lots of presents. They really made me feel special today It’s been tough being their mom the past 6 months, but I try my best and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them . They are my world right now . The day was complete with a great dinner with my mom and dad. I love my mom beyond words and I’m so lucky to have her. Two friends lost their mom’s this weekend, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how they feel today,…
Today would have been mine and Steve’s 16th wedding anniversary. We had such a fun wedding and I remember it as if it were yesterday. I always thought we’d grow old together. I miss him so much.
Well, friends, 2017 was an interesting year for my entire family…. So much happened….. cancer diagnosis for my brother (he’s doing great!)… a flood down 3 stories in my house (but I now have a GORGEOUS new bathroom)… I broke my hand (my right hand and yes I’m right handed)… the trees on the side of my house fell and hit the house (no major damage…except for my broken hand)…pneumonia for my father in law 2+ times (he’s doing well right now)…. painful kidney stones for my mother in law (she finally has some relief after a year of pain)….the lose of another neighborhood dad 🙁 ….NEW FRIENDS…. a road trip to Florida with some of my Greenwood Peeps…. a road trip to PA with…