I know most days it appears that I’m fine, but I am not. I am still very fragile, sad, lonely and missing Steve.
I wish sometimes I could hang a sign around my neck asking people to be sensitive to me, think about what they are going to say and consider keeping it to themselves. But I can’t.
Unless you’ve grieved the loss of someone as close as a spouse, there is no way to know how it feels, and I don’t expect anyone to, nor do I want anyone I love to know how it feels, but it does still hurt and I think about him every single day.
Yes, I need help from time to time. I’m doing this alone, I have young kids that can’t be left alone and I need to do things alone sometimes. Someday I will have a handle on it and will be able to juggle it all by myself, I know I will, but until then I need help on occasion. I hate that I am “that” person. The single mom who needs help. I never wanted to be that person, or have people look at me in that way, which is why I try to do as much as I can myself, but I fail all to often because I’m hurting inside. I didn’t ask for this. I also wasn’t prepared. I thought we had more time. I was faced with it sooner than I expected. But then again, I probably would have never been ready.
Please understand that I hate to ask for help, but until I adjust to being a widow and a single mom, I need it. And I’m sorry if some people don’t get that.
It’s only been 6 months… we’ve had Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Steve’s Birthday already without him and those aren’t easy. And now this month I have Mother’s Day and our Wedding Anniversary to get through. May 19th would have been 16 years. It’s going to be a hard day and NO I don’t want to ignore it. And then June will come and my birthday. We found out 3 years ago on my birthday he had cancer. Yes, it’s going to be hard for me. It may sound silly to some but it will be difficult. Steve took the girls every year shopping for me and they loved it. He’s not here to do it this year. I don’t know how to handle that.
It seems like yesterday when we found out he’d probably die in 2 weeks, but it was 6 months ago. And Friday will be 6 months that he died.
I’m not sure if this life is harder than the life I lived during treatment. They both suck. Someday I will be okay.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading. No need to comment. Writing is therapeutic for me.