7 Months Since My Husband Died

by Karen on June 5, 2017

in Life After Steve

Today is 7 month’s since Steve died.  7 MONTHS!  I can’t believe it’s been that long, yet it seems like yesterday.

Holly cried tonight.  She misses him SO MUCH.  He was her ‘person’.  She had a bond with him that will always make her heart hurt.  Holly cries a lot.  She thinks of him a lot.  She never misses the 5th of the month.

She’s “graduating 6th grade” in 2 weeks.  She wanted him to be with there to see her graduation SO BAD.  She knew it probably wouldn’t happen, and she knew he was dying, but all she prayed for was for him to see her finish elementary school.  She knew he’d never see her graduate.  But he didn’t make it.  At least not in person.  I’m sure he’ll be with her that day, right beside her so proud of her.

Allison doesn’t cry over him, she doesn’t talk about him being dead, she avoids that at all costs.  But she talks about him all the time.  But I know how she’s feeling inside and it’s probably worse than I can even imagine.  She lets it out in other ways.

Being their mom is SO HARD.  They have so much anger in them.  They’ve been stripped of the oppertunity to know their daddy beyond their childhood.  He will never meet their first boyfriends, he’ll never see them in a cap and gown, or move off to college, or get their frist real job, or get their first appartment or walk them down the aisle.  NEVER.

NEVER.

When I think about that, my chest tightens up and tears fill up in my eyes.  These girls deserve to have all that but they won’t.  And I know i won’t be enough.  But I’ll try my hardest and I won’t stop trying until the day I can’t anymore.

The two and a half years he was sick were AWFUL.  You all saw one side, but what happened in this house was SO HARD.  No one will ever know but me and the girls.  His illness made him a different person.  He was so angry, so VERY ANGRY and he tried so hard.  Chemo was awful, just plain awful.  But he pushed through because he wanted to be here for his 3 girls for as long as he could.

There were days where I prayed for it to end, and then there were other days that I prayed for more time.  It was such an emotional rollercoaster.

And now I’m on the other side and it’s not any better.

I woke up this morning feel pretty good about the day.  But then when the girls came home and we were cuddling on the couch, and we talked about how it was the 5th of the month and how it was 7 months and Holly cried… Allison held her hand and put her head on my shoulder and now….

Well now I’m reminded that he’s gone.  And he’s never, EVER coming back.

It’s only been 7 months but it feels like a lifetime…….

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Christine St.Vil June 5, 2017 at 11:51 pm

I can’t help but fight back tears while reading this. This hurts my heart to hear your story, so I can only imagine what you and your beautiful girls are going through. Maybe you can get a pendant/locket with his picture in it that she can wear for her graduation. I know it’s nowhere near the real thing, but maybe it can help. I’m just thinking about how friends have honored their father’s memories. Please know even though you don’t hear from some people, that there are so many who are always thinking about and praying for you.

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Julee June 7, 2017 at 7:56 pm

Karen,
I love you so much. I love your girls. I loved Steve. I never met Steve. I have yet to meet your girls, but through you I have known all of you.

Maybe on the fifth of each month, you can make a list of five things he was there to see…their birth, their first birthday, their first day of school, losing their first tooth. Make these the memories that fill the void. I know it will always be an open wound, but it’s so important to remember…not at what will never be, but what was. what is.

My heart is holding yours. I love you with all of me.

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