7 Months Since My Husband Died

by Karen on June 5, 2017

in Life After Steve

Today is 7 month’s since Steve died.  7 MONTHS!  I can’t believe it’s been that long, yet it seems like yesterday.

Holly cried tonight.  She misses him SO MUCH.  He was her ‘person’.  She had a bond with him that will always make her heart hurt.  Holly cries a lot.  She thinks of him a lot.  She never misses the 5th of the month.

She’s “graduating 6th grade” in 2 weeks.  She wanted him to be with there to see her graduation SO BAD.  She knew it probably wouldn’t happen, and she knew he was dying, but all she prayed for was for him to see her finish elementary school.  She knew he’d never see her graduate.  But he didn’t make it.  At least not in person.  I’m sure he’ll be with her that day, right beside her so proud of her.

Allison doesn’t cry over him, she doesn’t talk about him being dead, she avoids that at all costs.  But she talks about him all the time.  But I know how she’s feeling inside and it’s probably worse than I can even imagine.  She lets it out in other ways.

Being their mom is SO HARD.  They have so much anger in them.  They’ve been stripped of the oppertunity to know their daddy beyond their childhood.  He will never meet their first boyfriends, he’ll never see them in a cap and gown, or move off to college, or get their frist real job, or get their first appartment or walk them down the aisle.  NEVER.

NEVER.

When I think about that, my chest tightens up and tears fill up in my eyes.  These girls deserve to have all that but they won’t.  And I know i won’t be enough.  But I’ll try my hardest and I won’t stop trying until the day I can’t anymore.

The two and a half years he was sick were AWFUL.  You all saw one side, but what happened in this house was SO HARD.  No one will ever know but me and the girls.  His illness made him a different person.  He was so angry, so VERY ANGRY and he tried so hard.  Chemo was awful, just plain awful.  But he pushed through because he wanted to be here for his 3 girls for as long as he could.

There were days where I prayed for it to end, and then there were other days that I prayed for more time.  It was such an emotional rollercoaster.

And now I’m on the other side and it’s not any better.

I woke up this morning feel pretty good about the day.  But then when the girls came home and we were cuddling on the couch, and we talked about how it was the 5th of the month and how it was 7 months and Holly cried… Allison held her hand and put her head on my shoulder and now….

Well now I’m reminded that he’s gone.  And he’s never, EVER coming back.

It’s only been 7 months but it feels like a lifetime…….

3 years ago today, Steve and I went out to celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary. It was a Saturday night. When we got home that night Steve asked me if I was happy (after 13 yrs of marriage, I think it’s a legit question! lol) and I told him, “Yes” I was happy with where we were in our relationship, I loved our new home and all that came along with it and the direction our lives were going in at that time.

I then told him that I was scared that something was going to happen to ruin it all. He assured me that nothing would happen to take our happiness away.

3 days later he ended up in the hospital and they found “nodules in his lungs and liver”.

Life can change at ANY MOMENT. Enjoy each minute, do the things you want to do, take that trip, buy that item you wanted, go on vacation with your loved ones, say the things you want to say… DON’T HOLD BACK LIVE YOUR LIFE. Because we don’t know what the future will hold, especially tomorrow.

When Steve realized the end was eminent, he did tell me that while he’ll miss out on so many things in the future, he is so happy that he did so much….. he traveled a lot – for work and for pleasure, he played hard while he was younger, went to a great college and really enjoyed himself while there, he bought the cars he liked, he owned (2) homes and (2) boats, he had a family, he met the girl of his dreams (his words!), he had a good childhood filled with a LOT of great memories of being on the boat with his parents and his friends, he ate good food, drank good beer and wine, had his dream job he loved, made tons of memories with his little girls, made AMAZING friends, read a shit ton of books (that I now own!!!) and honestly if he wanted something, he got it or did it. He had no idea his life would be cut short at the young age of 44, but he was so glad he lived his life.

I wish for people to learn from us, to take those chances and live life and not ‘wait’ for retirement because not everyone gets’s to retirement.

These next few days represented a HUGE change in the directions that our lives went 3 years ago, so please bare with me, I may share or I may go quiet.

xoxo

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

by Karen on May 27, 2017

in Life After Steve

I came across something called “The Mourner’s Bill of Rights” and there were 10 bullet points. One of them made me feel so better about how I’ve been feeling the past week or so – I have been SO UNMOTIVED lately. I haven’t cooked in two weeks, and have no desire to even go food shopping. I have new furniture coming for Allison this week which means everything has to come out of her room and I have the Book Fair at the girl’s school coming up in less than a week and I haven’t done anything for that either. I hate feeling this way. But at least this helps me to understand that it’s normal.

It said “You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits” – Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

Urggh… I hate grief and how it takes over me without any control.

Daddy Bears

by Karen on May 24, 2017

in Life After Steve

One of my best friends had these bears made for the girls from two of Steve’s Hawaiian shirts.

They are amazing and the girls absolutely love them!!! The shirts he wore tons of times so they remind them of him.

Such a wonderful and thoughtful gift! Thank you Jaime Lutynski Kilday!!! You are an amazing person and I’m happy to call you my friend. Xoxoxoxo

A Visit In My Dreams…..

by Karen on May 20, 2017

in Life After Steve

My husband Steve visited me last night, in my dreams.

He was laying in a bed, and I touched his arm and asked him for a kiss. I told him I knew this wasn’t real so I wanted a kiss. He laid there and smiled at me.

It was a nice visit.