Today would have been mine and Steve’s 16th wedding anniversary.

We had such a fun wedding and I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I always thought we’d grow old together.

I miss him so much.

My girls spoiled me today!! My day began with them letting me sleep in, then waking me to kisses and breakfast in bed – heart shaped toast, a hardboiled egg and a granola bar. Then they showered me with lots of presents.

They really made me feel special today  It’s been tough being their mom the past 6 months, but I try my best and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them . They are my world right now .

The day was complete with a great dinner with my mom and dad. I love my mom beyond words and I’m so lucky to have her. Two friends lost their mom’s this weekend, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how they feel today, so I’ll pray for them and count my blessings.

Happy Mother’s day to all of you that join me with the amazing title of mom. I hope you all had a great day.

“How are you doing”

by Karen on May 2, 2017

in Life After Steve

I know most days it appears that I’m fine, but I am not. I am still very fragile, sad, lonely and missing Steve.

 

I wish sometimes I could hang a sign around my neck asking people to be sensitive to me, think about what they are going to say and consider keeping it to themselves. But I can’t.

Unless you’ve grieved the loss of someone as close as a spouse, there is no way to know how it feels, and I don’t expect anyone to, nor do I want anyone I love to know how it feels, but it does still hurt and I think about him every single day.

Yes, I need help from time to time. I’m doing this alone, I have young kids that can’t be left alone and I need to do things alone sometimes. Someday I will have a handle on it and will be able to juggle it all by myself, I know I will, but until then I need help on occasion. I hate that I am “that” person. The single mom who needs help. I never wanted to be that person, or have people look at me in that way, which is why I try to do as much as I can myself, but I fail all to often because I’m hurting inside. I didn’t ask for this. I also wasn’t prepared. I thought we had more time. I was faced with it sooner than I expected. But then again, I probably would have never been ready.

Please understand that I hate to ask for help, but until I adjust to being a widow and a single mom, I need it. And I’m sorry if some people don’t get that.

It’s only been 6 months… we’ve had Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Steve’s Birthday already without him and those aren’t easy. And now this month I have Mother’s Day and our Wedding Anniversary to get through. May 19th would have been 16 years. It’s going to be a hard day and NO I don’t want to ignore it. And then June will come and my birthday. We found out 3 years ago on my birthday he had cancer. Yes, it’s going to be hard for me. It may sound silly to some but it will be difficult. Steve took the girls every year shopping for me and they loved it. He’s not here to do it this year. I don’t know how to handle that.

It seems like yesterday when we found out he’d probably die in 2 weeks, but it was 6 months ago. And Friday will be 6 months that he died.

I’m not sure if this life is harder than the life I lived during treatment. They both suck. Someday I will be okay.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. No need to comment. Writing is therapeutic for me.

My Baby is 10 Today!

by Karen on April 24, 2017

in Allison, Birthday

Happy 10th Birthday to my baby girl Allison.

I can’t believe she’s 10! I’m so proud of the person she has become. She’s a super smart, loving, empathetic, fun kid that loves gymnastics, makeup, music, MATH and ZEBRAs! I love her imagination and how much she wants to be just like me. The older she gets the more she looks like her daddy and while she’d rather look like me, I’m so glad to have a glimpse of him everyday.

I love her to the moon and back and so did her daddy!!! There was nothing more that he wanted than to see her turn 10, 16, 18, 21 and so many more birthdays. But he’s with her every day, I just know it!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl, I wish nothing but the best for you this year and every year after! Aim for the stars, I know you can do anything you put your mind too!!!

xoxo

I have amazing friends. I spent the day with some of them and we had a great time. We went to dinner and we celebrated Steve.

We know he was there with us because a song he loved, that we were talking about earlier today, came on while at dinner. Then we saw a boat similar to the one his parents owned while he was growing up. We all agree that was him telling us he was there.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes for him, all the texts and love you all sent us today. It really helps and I appreciate it so much!!!