Back Surgery is Scheduled for Today

I just wanted to post an update since I haven’t in a while.   I realize some people are afraid to ask, but seriously you can always ask us how Steve is doing.  We don’t mind talking about it.  It’s our life now. The girls went to camp the last week of August, right before school started.  It was a camp that is only for children who’s parents have battled cancer/ have cancer.  It’s called Camp Kesem and it’s a free one week overnight camp. When we first heard of it, I immediately thought how great it would be for the girls to meet other children who have a life like theirs and to hear their stories.  But I figured they would NEVER go away for…

When we arrived at the infusion center today, they didn’t have the new orders for Steve’s reduction in the 5-FU chemo.  Thankfully she mentioned out loud that due to his weight loss, she needed to call the doctor to have him adjust his meds.  We told her that the Doctor said he was reducing one of them and she noticed she still had the old orders.  Glad we were paying attention. It took about an hour but he called in the right orders and he began chemo #7.   We did figure out which one the 5-FU is – it’s the one that he comes home with.  Before we leave they give him a push of it into his IV to give him a big dose…

Steve had another CT Scan last week and it showed that unfortunately the cancer is still spreading in his lungs.  The liver is stable.  He also has some pretty swollen Lympnodes near his lungs.  His CEA is the same as it’s been the last 3 months – 11. We had a really good conversation with the doctor about what is happening and what we should do next.   So here is the plan right now: 1.  We are going to go to Dana Faber and talk to them about clinical trials.  It’s not very likely Steve will do a trail, but we at least want to talk to them about it. 2.  Steve will continue on the chemo he is on right now for 6 weeks…

Yesterday Steve finished his 2nd round of chemo and he did well.  No real big side effects except he feels really tired.  But this morning he’s still feeling good. 2 down, many more to go!  Let’s hope it’s working!

It’s a little over a month later and the girls and I have began moving forward with our life without Steve.  I won’t lie, it’s awful.  Some days are okay, but lately most are not.  I’m really struggling with this.  I thought I would be okay.  I thought I was prepared for this.  I thought I grieved the last 2+ years, and I thought that was hard.  This is worse.  I was no where near ready for losing him.  I was no where near ready for the pain of missing someone that has been in my life, every day for 18 years.  Especially losing them when you have no choice. I also thought we had more time.  I thought we had one more Thanksgiving… one…

Our amazing community is hosting an evening of Yoga in honor of Steve this week.  I can’t even express in words what this means to our family.  Every week our friends amaze us with their love, support and generosity.   Calling ourselves Lucky doesn’t even describe what we feel.  LOVED is really more like it. Steve is a very proud man, so letting them do this for us has been very hard for him to accept.  But he’s realized that this is a way that all the people around us can help me, can take some sort of burden off of me.  It’s also a way for him to see how much love we have around us. I recently posted this on Facebook and I know…