Steve’s Cancer Updates

I remember the night my husband died as if it was yesterday, but really it was 5 months ago that I would wake in the middle of the night to hear him mumble for the last time “I love you too”. Friday, November 4, 2016 Steve was transported to the Hospice home in Providence, RI.  We (Mark and I) wanted him to go the day before, but he told us he didn’t think he was ready and wanted one more night.  When he was placed on hospice less than two weeks earlier, we discussed that he would be transferred to the home before he died.  We didn’t want him to die at home. Friday morning we got up and started getting him ready for the…

Today is a new day, and a day to look back and reflect on the year. A friend wrote something that inspired me and made me look at 2016 differently. My husband died, that was absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But I’ve grown so much through that, and I like who I am today. 2016 was a GIFT and I am thankful for that. I had Steve by my side for almost all of it…. that was not something we knew we would have back in June 2014. Friends I’ve known for a long time and a shorter time came together and became friends. And all my friendships grew, tremendously! I learned from my friends and family what it means…

A year ago today Steve and I sat at chemo for his “New Year’s Chemo”. I was grateful to have him for another year. After the new year we found out that chemo would end in the fall. The doctor estimated (at that time) he would probably have about 4-6 months after chemo ended. Of course that was without knowing how the last 6 months of chemo would work. He was being optimistic. When Steve and I talked about that, we figured we’d get through the holidays, have another new year’s eve together and then sometime in 2017, he’d pass away. Of course we didn’t know for sure, but we were being optimistic. From the day that we found out he was stage 4, I…

It’s a little over a month later and the girls and I have began moving forward with our life without Steve.  I won’t lie, it’s awful.  Some days are okay, but lately most are not.  I’m really struggling with this.  I thought I would be okay.  I thought I was prepared for this.  I thought I grieved the last 2+ years, and I thought that was hard.  This is worse.  I was no where near ready for losing him.  I was no where near ready for the pain of missing someone that has been in my life, every day for 18 years.  Especially losing them when you have no choice. I also thought we had more time.  I thought we had one more Thanksgiving… one…

I had a house full of people today.  Just the way it should be.  My brother brought over a bottle of something for shots.  I have no idea what it was, I can’t remember.  But I do remember that I didn’t have any shot glasses so we used wine glasses.  My crystal wine glasses that I got when Steve and I got married.  So they were pretty appropriate to use! We all got together and did a “Shot for Steve”….. it was pretty fitting considering he enjoyed himself a drink or two over the years. A memory I will always cherish!