Another Round of Chemo Down….

Steve had chemo last week and once again his side effects weren’t that bad since the reduction.  He’s even been able to maintain his weight, which is exactly what the doctor wants right now.  It’s been nice outside the last few days so that’s been helpful too.  On the cold days we had a week ago he had a very hard time.  Once his hands and nose get cold, they hurt.  He’s trying to bundle up the best he can, but if he bundles up too much he sweats.  Over time he’ll find a balance.  It’s something new to get used to.

He sees the Oncologist next Tuesday and he will then make an appointment for another CT Scan.  I’m very hopeful that we will get good news on this one as well.  But of course, we will both be nervous until we know for sure.  All his blood work still looks great so I don’t think we are going to get any surprises with the scans.  Once we have a date, we’ll let everyone know.  But I believe we will have the scan and results done by Christmas.

I told Steve the other day how proud I am of him that he gets up to go to work every day except for his 3 days of chemo every other week.  I know there are days that he’s tired, but he still goes to work.  I know that when we had that cold a couple of weeks ago, going out so early in the morning was very challenging for him.  But he still went.  He has the right to make up every excuse in the book and stay home, but he doesn’t.  He enjoys his job and his coworkers. So going to work and having a normal day, makes him so much happier.  I’m sure most days while he’s a work and busy, he can push this cancer out of his mind.

I know if it was me, I wouldn’t get out of bed 6 days out of 7.  I’d make up every single excuse in the book to not go about my day.  I would sit and feel sorry for myself.  But Steve doesn’t have that in him to do every day and because he can get up everyday and go about his days, I can do the same.  I’m not saying I don’t have a bad day when the reality of this hits me, because I do.  But I can tell you I’m having less days now than I was.  And I do believe it’s because of how he handles it.  He has his bad days too!

This weekend we talked about how much of a better place we are in with this diagnosis now than we were over the summer.  Maybe it’s because we’ve learned more, or seen how chemo is going to be, or maybe it’s just time and acceptance.  But it is easier to live with this as time goes on.  Like someone who was recently in our position told me, we are getting used to our new normal.

We still have no idea what 2015 or beyond will bring Steve and our family, but a few months ago he started talking about our future again – a future that he is in and everything is normal.  I didn’t jump on board with this thinking until a couple of weeks ago. It was much harder for me to push though this cancer and think about it not existing in him someday.  But I too am now making plans with him for next year and we even talk about further out – like we would normally not knowing he had a terminal cancer.  Because really none of us knows what our future holds.  My counselor has been trying to get me to believe that for a while now and I actually am getting there.  I have to stop thinking about my future and my husband not being there.  Because anything can happen and he could still live a long life.

So we are living our days as they come, hoping for the future, making plans of what we want to do together and with the girls in 2015.  I am finally trying to live in the moment, rather than worrying about next week or next month or next year.  I know we still have a lot of time left.  And when we don’t, we will know in plenty of time and then we can alter our plans.

We hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

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